First published on December 7th, 2011 as #1.129
I didn’t know, when this writing project started, what I would feel was worth writing about. I didn’t want to indulge in navel-gazing, nor did I want to be dishonest about the feelings of uncertainty and insecurities that are a part of the background noise of my everyday.
I was nervous about publishing this card. It was still early into the writing project and I didn’t know how it would land. As it turned out, it seemed to hit a nerve. I got a lot of feedback both in person and on the blog that these feelings were ones that many people shared, and gave me the confidence to keep exploring these ideas as they came up.
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| sent from: London, UK. destination: Los Angeles, California, USA |
Am feeling a queasily familiar sense of dread and uncertainty edge itself around the door. The sense of not having the answers; of not even knowing the right questions to ask; of having my emptiness exposed to all. Feeling responsible for the rising tide of panic, every harried look or question, and eyes turning towards me ~ I should know what to say, I should know how to ferret out the problems. It’s cold yet I’m sweating. There is a knot of stone in my stomach. I leave work but feel I should be there, working. It’s blinding and makes me slouch, I don’t want to engage.
It might also have to do with the large amount of chocolate I ate when I left work today.